OK, what's wrong with the NFL? Before you read on be sure you read my previous post about everything that's right about the NFL. Not only is football a great sport but the NFL is the best run league in professional sports. Bar none. But even the greatest have some room for improvement so here goes...Roger, I hope you are taking notes. Only too  happy to help. By the way, did you get the fruit basket we sent you? The little plastic wrapped biscotti dipped in chocolate are to die for.

• 1) Mascots

Yes, mascots.  They drive me crazy. Why are they there? Do we really need some sweaty guy dressed in a costume with a foam head of a Gold Miner prancing around Forty-Niner games? Seriously, are there a slew of six year olds in the stands that wanted to actually go to Chuck E. Cheese's instead and need to be entertained? Please stop. If ANYONE reading this blog actually thinks the NFL must have ridiculous foam-headed mascots doing sideline dances, please make a comment below explaining why. I am absolutely dumbfounded.  Please God, make them stop.

• 2) NFL Europe or what ever you want to call it

The Barcelona Dragons.  Ooh. I'm all tingly just thinking about it. Or maybe that is the ant hill I am standing in. Good God, my foot is on fire.  Why didn't any of you mention I was standing in ants?  Damn you all.  Anyways, this business failure accomplished exactly zero of its intended goals in its 16 years of existence. The league went through numerous name changes from the World League, NFL Europe, NFL Europa.  Crap by any other name is still crap.  By the way, does anyone have any calamine lotion?  On rare occasions I flipped channels and caught a few minutes of a game to see what, a whopping 100 clueless people in a stadium?  And by ‘clueless' I do not mean stupid. Face it, American Football is head and shoulders the most complex sport imaginable, and that statement has nothing to do with dandruff. Without a basis of understanding the game, it looks ridiculous. Guys wearing all these padded things running around, smashing into one another then they stop and stand there for a minute and do it again. You don't really understand the crux of the issue until you try to explain football to someone who knows nothing about football.  Having actually taught someone who had never seen a game in their life about football, here is how the conversation goes...

"OK, so that team is on the 45 yard line and they want..."

"Um, sorry to interrupt but what's a yard line?"

Don't laugh. Those of us that grew up watching the game take for granted how complicated and confusing football is to those who don't know. The NFL would have been better off sending the 1985 Bears to play in London each year. Lord knows the Brits loved the Fridge.  After 16 years of exasperation and millions of dollars wasted, the league is exactly where it started. Selling out Wembley for one game, albeit a regular season game this time. You need a nuclear-powered calculator to factor the negative ROI on that.

If there is one sliver of gratitude for NFL Europe it is Kurt Warner. The ‘Rudy' of the modern NFL, God love ‘em. But then again, that sliver is mitigated by his annoying spouse who comes with the deal. Never mind.

• 3) No gambling

OK, so what's the big deal?  I don't get it.  Gambling is bad. It's evil.  It is morally wrong. Even though, no matter where you live, you are within an hour's drive of an Indian Casino or Bingo parlor that pays billions in taxes. That's different. So it must be gambling on sports that's bad.  That's it. Sports betting is evil. Sports betting is morally wrong. Our government says it's bad. Well, that is unless you live in Oregon where you can play actual parlay cards as part of the State run lottery. The Orgeon State Lottery slogan is "Beat the Spread." Then it's OK.

Seriously. Everyone knows that people bet on sports. Certainly the leagues do. Vegas lines are listed in every major newspaper and web site on the planet. TV analysts discuss who is "the favorite" and no, they are not talking about which sibling Mom liked best, even though you all know it was me.

Well, you can get addicted to gambling. Of course you can and you can get addicted to alcohol yet there wouldn't be sports if it weren't for alcohol, or more accurately, there wouldn't be sports if it weren't for beer and the money they pay for ad time.

Gambling is legal in every other country and it is huge business and provides huge tax revenue. If people want to sell their TV to bet on a game, let em. But then they wouldn't have a TV to watch football on. Wait a minute...(light bulb goes off). And for the record, you can gamble in almost every single state on something people in the know call "the lottery" which is not to be confused with a very weird short story called "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson which I was forced to read in grade school and creeped me out for weeks. No, I am speaking of the State Lottery and it is gambling in its purest form with the exception that the State (aka ‘the house' in this scenario) takes a ludicrous cut and the payouts are awful. If you play the lottery, you are better off in Vegas betting it on red 32.

• 4) No video games

What is with the NFLPA only allowing Madden from EA Sports the right to use player names?  I have no issue with the NFL being a monopoly but this is a travesty! In case you weren't aware, EA Sports popular Madden NFL games recently became the only games that are allowed to use NFL Player and Team names. That sucks. I would strongly recommend all of you to take back your games to wherever you bought them from and demand a full refund! Write a letter to the NFLPA and express your outrage! I would join you but I'm currently kicking the computer's ass, 28-0 in the 2^nd quarter. Romo to Owens for six baby! Hell yea!

• 5) Hawaii

What's with this lame programming the NFL puts on every year where they have "skills competitions" and play flag football with a bunch of old veterans, all shot on some luxurious resort off Waikiki?  It seems to be the NFL's version of ‘Battle of the Network Stars' without Adriane Barbeau and frankly, I'd rather watch Adriane Barbeau climb that obstacle wall than Jerome Bettis. Call me crazy.  Yet, as much as I bitch about it, I always seem to flip the channel at the wrong time and get sucked into watching it. And who exactly are these 19 or 20 odd people that stand around and watch this train wreck of television programming in person?  Let's see, you just shelled out 10 large to fly your family to Hawaii for the summer vaca. Why don't you hang out in the hot sun, away from the beach and watch NFL guys in shorts and tee shirts run around doing silly things.  I guess it's cheaper than a $12 bowl of poi, whatever that is.

I was actually a little sad when I caught it this year and found that the quarterback challenge doesn't use those goofy targets strapped to the top of golf carts anymore. When did they stop doing that? And when did Darryl Green stop winning the NFL's fastest man competition? I thought they stopped doing the races and just handed him the trophy. Am I that old? Wait, don't answer that.  All I know is I miss the golf cart things.

• 6) Body Paint Guys

Do I need to really go into any detail here? Some heavy guy in the stands of Chicago's Soldier Field when the temperature is minus 10 and he has no shirt on and his fat, hairy chest is painted like a Brian Urlacher jersey. Do I need to see this? Hey, I'm trying to eat some nachos over here!

• 7) Al Davis

Sorry Al but you made the list. The guy that started the popular "hold a city hostage for luxury suites" movement, Al Davis is no stranger to the courtroom, having sued the league on numerous occasions and having lost them all. Al is a unique combination of 1970's coaching mentality with over-anal micro-management wrapped in Brylcreem and weird glasses. Al seems to think that if the Raiders could just lob the ball deep to Cliff Branch, they'd be winners again forgetting that Cliff Branch turned 59 years old a few weeks ago. Happy belated birthday, Cliff.  Hope you got my card.

What were once slogans of pride are now almost jokes. "Commitment to Excellence?" Or my personal favorite, "Pride and Poise."  Poise? Hey, the Raiders had some great teams long ago with some legendary players but I don't think "Poise" would have ever applied. Ken Stabler? Jack Tatum? Otis Sistrunk who Alex Karras once quipped attended the University of Mars? Poise?

On a very serious note, I would also like to blame all of us, myself included, for a great travesty. You must know what the word "enabler" means and we are all enablers. We must do what is right, no matter how hard it is.  We must stand up and say what must be said. "Al, please stop wearing those ridiculous jogging suits."